A lovely friend of a friend’s gorgeous music.
Listen/purchase: Sun Babies (Eric Wright Remix) by Deja Mae
Ahhh thank you so much Melanie and ZeBek!!! 💜☺️💜
something I wrote, left in “drafts”, during my second to last breakup. 2yrs ish old…quite the repetitive trend I got going on involving my hearts breakable matter.
Wadded up bedding composed of: one quilt, one duvet covered down comforter, two sheets (one fitted one un), one t-shirt and one party dress, respectably, from the night before. Such a happy place full of nights where rest wasn’t existing and dreams were made real right beneath tents made of those same wadded up sheets, as the sun beams golden like amethyst gems and lit up the eyes…the eyes the eyes…his eyes were always nebulas, no matter the lighting. But no, this is not about him. This is about something simpler. Something entirely less painful. This is about a bed laying coldly and flatly against hard maple stained wood. This is about those shelves stacked from ceiling to crown molding draped with shirts, hats, scarves. Things they didn’t need. Things the people who occupied that house wouldn’t wear ‘til the seasons turned and circled our Earth like tiny planets running to keep up with our weather response.
Something I wrote and left in “drafts” during my last breakup….date written sometime early 2013
I tried to phone you, to say this to you at least thru a telephone wave where voices carry and responses have a chance. But as I could have guessed you didn’t answer. I guess bc it wasn’t on your terms. I can’t really think up any more excuses to be honest. Just taking it as it happened and it happened that you didn’t pick up.
There are too many things left unsaid between us. “Us” hurts to type, hurts to think, hurts mostly bc I know it’ll probably be the last time such a noun will represent us as being some sort of unit. This is hard, as most things are, and up to date is the hardest thing within the realms of a relationship tht I’ve had to do. You see I’m left with no other option. I’ve been trying the others and parts of me can’t keep breaking down.
It’s hard for an endless amount of reasons…you make me insanely happy. I like talking to you a great deal. I can’t even imagine while trying my hardest to convince you, that we would ever not talk. The problem isn’t within the person you are, not even a little bit. The problem lays within the person I am. I am obviously still in love with you. And I think it’s safe to say no matter how hard I try to delete those feelings and ignore em, they are very apparent. I am doing an ok job I suppose, pretending that I am all good and alright. But I am not alright. I am def not alright. I am sad to say this and I wish it wasn’t true, but you don’t care about me…-let me rephrase: you care about me enough to call our relationship a friendship, but you don’t care about me the way I need and should be cared for. I am not a bad person, I am actually a good person. I don’t think this good person in me should sell her self short with a person who is essentially only stringing me along. I don’t blame you. The few who hv come before you have done the exact same thing. They’ve used me bc I guess I make it so easy to do so and I detach so easily that it takes me a while to notice the going ons aren’t right… I don’t enforce rules and I don’t expect anything. So I end up with exactly that: nothing. It’s shitty, I am jst not the kind to try and tell others how to live their lives. I always figured I’d rather someone want to spend time with me, get to know me, and care for me because they want to, not because I’m telling or asking them too. I patiently wait, and during this time things end up spiraling outta control and I turn into a “hoe”. Not really a hoe but treated and perceived as one. You guys aren’t very smart. But I guess it’s really me who’s the dumb one. I was and still am convinced you were different. Guess I have a knack of causing people to want me, then hate me, then want me, then have me, then hate me, then kinda have me, then resent me.
[you called back]
You didn’t seem curious or affected by me even telling you I was writing this. That’s either bc 1) you don’t give a fuck 2) you really don’t give a fuck 3) you think it’s one of my crazy antics…prbly all of the above. And here I am thinking: “fuck maybe we could be friends! and put all this behind us.” Maybe we’d be your regular run of the mill type friends, you’d call me when you had some shit to blow up and I’d hang out in small doses, seeing you once a year and maybe we’d laugh remembering when we tried to date each other, and you’d laugh bc you would finally know what I meant when I said I was wild. I am wild like a terror, a good alliance for lighting things on fire and breaking shit but a terrible normal girlfriend. And maybe even you’d think in your head how it could of worked and wonder if it still could, but then I’ll do something ridiculous which will remind you why it didn’t and why it wouldn’t. You’ll prbly have some girlfriend you jst met who you fawn over and try to convince everyone including yourself how she’s “the one”. I will have some guy on the side who doesn’t know me but thinks he does bc it’s easy for me and I won’t get hurt.
Or maybe you’ll call me never, and maybe I’ll call you never but one dark and gloomy afternoon I’ll be popping out of LA to see a friend in NY and while leaving LAX our paths will cross in the line for some shitty airport food. We’ll exchange niceties and you’ll pretend to care where I’m going and I’ll give the act of sincerity a try when I ask about the ring on your finger. Maybe I’ll even be pregnant with some millionaire, I never sees, baby. But I’ll of course hype up the relationship to make it seem something extraordinary.
Or maybe our kids will go to school together, and my Vincent and your Violet will accidentally fall in love and we will be forced to pretend we don’t hate each other at their wedding. I’m tired. I don’t even remember what I wanted to say.
A sad day for Los Angeles. This breaks my heart. Life is hard, I think we can all agree on tht, and we are all doing our best…some days are harder, the world can be unkind and grim but it’s all we have and it’s not a very long one at tht. Why complicate and pain things further by hurting and killing each other? Traveling is stressful and difficult. Now it’ll continuously move into the direction of impossible. School can be terrible and ridiculously mundane but now it’s not only those things but something to be feared. How does complicating and instilling fear into our hearts abt easily fearless acts make any persons situation better? I do not wish upon a murderer pain and suffering that’d be too comfortable for them I wish upon them to know true happiness, passions, and a love for life. maybe then they can understand what taking that away from a person really meant. A hateful person sees hate and relinquishes responsibility thru hate. But I dare them to be shown love.
Thank You @mercenarymerchandise 🎥! #barlubitsch #dejamae #surfboardbalcony